Holy Crap!!

I just got back on here for the first time in a very LONG time and looked at all my posts. One whole post in 2010. Geesh!

Well to update just a little we had our pre trial hearing last Monday. We were able to reach an agreement, so were put in front of the judge to put everything "on record". How nerve wracking that is?! I could barely get by with a whisper and by the end of it, when the judge said it was granted I was a sniveling ball of tears. So much so, his lawyer asked him if I really wanted the divorce. haha I do but like I told him, we have almost 12 years built up in "us". It's a lot to see that go.

After court was over we sat in the parking lot and talked for about 20 or 30 mins. He said he had no regrets of us, and that he regrets the divorce sometimes because he was "content". He said that while he's not "in love" with me anymore he still loves me and always will. I am the mother of his children. I was a little mean with my comments though, I flat out told him that I did not regret asking for the divorce. Even with all the extra stress that I have to deal with now I'm much happier and feel so much better.

I deserve so much better than "content". I deserve someone that would rather be here with me and the kids then off and gone every weekend because of bowfishing. I'm not talking the occasional fishing trip with the guys, he was gone literally EVERY weekend he didn't have to work. Leaving me here alone with the kids all of the time. I have noticed that I have very little "close" friends, starting to get some of them back. It's taking some time. I just didn't realize how isolated I had become.

The kids wish their dad would move back in and stay forever. I hate that this decision that I made hurt them this way. It's going to be something they probably wish for a very long time to come. They know this is not going to happen though. Their dad has a girlfriend and they know this. His girlfriend posts on his facebook how much she loves him, blah, blah, blah. What he doesn't seem to get is that his son "sees" that. I wish he would talk to her and tell her to leave that stuff to a private message. He's all about not making big changes to the kids, but lets her do that. How is this not a huge change? I just don't understand.

One of these changes is when he moves out of his mom's house. He says that he's still going to have his mom pick them up and just stay at her house for his weekends. You know, "so they don't have another big change to deal with". I think it's just because he doesn't want to be responsible for them by himself. Right now, on his weekends he still leaves to go bowfishing. Pisses me off! He can see them anytime he wants but just gets them on his two weekends a month. Then leaves to go out with his buddies. How is that right to the kids? Maybe I'm wrong on this, but I just think he is so wrong in this.

When we first were separated I found out about a girl he had been seeing. He told me they didn't do anything until I told him I wanted out. Later I found out that she had been on his boat about 6 months BEFORE I told him anything. So that pretty much blew that out of the water(no pun intended). She told him all kinds of lies about me and my best friend. If you know her, you know to take everything she says with a pretty huge grain of salt. She lies, manipulates to get what she wants and is pretty well known as the town slut here. So anyway, she hates me apparently so that's where this lying on me and going after my husband comes in.

She told him that my best friend and I were having an affair. What made it worse is that she told him that my best friend told her everything. When I told my best friend, he got so angry with her. He called her up and told her to leave him alone, she was never to come by or call him again. With all this though, I have to thank the ex and her. I never would have thought about my best friend that way until they brought it up. Just here recently we've been talking about taking the plunge and crossing that friendship line.

It's a scary proposition about dating my best friend. What happens to us as friends if we split up? The thing that keeps popping into my head is, what happens if it would have been the best thing to ever happen and I let it slip by my fingers? We've went out a couple of times and are fixing to go to concert in a few days. He's been there for me, watched my kids when I've needed the break, and let me cry on his shoulder. There may be a chance for a new beginning here and I really think I'm going to take it. I don't cry anymore about my divorce, aside from court the other day. Hadn't cried about it in a very long time. I think I have come to terms with it and I've went through all the usual steps. It should be OK if I move on, at least I think it will be. I'm at the very least dipping my toes in the water anyway.

In regards in other aspects of my life, I've quit smoking. Today marks Day 9, or well it's Sunday morning technically so Day 10. lol This is hard stuff! I've been more cranky then usual and still trying to get completely better since I was sick a couple of weeks ago. I think I'm still weak and a little bit run down from that. My son told me that he doesn't want me to be alone when asked why he's all of a sudden protective of me. He started this about the time his dad told him about the new girlfriend. I told him not to worry about it, I'm in no big hurry to find someone new and if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. At any rate, they know my best friend and they love him. They WON'T know about us being a couple, if that happens, at least for awhile.

My son has kept his grades up through all of this getting Straight A's his first "real" report card and all A's and one B on the last one. My daughter is getting better with her speech every day and making strides in her life. Basically she is really loving Kindergarten! We have some issues with her tantrums and some other basic problems that come with 6 yr olds. They're doing fine otherwise, I believe. I couldn't be more proud of them! They are the light in my eyes and are first and foremost in my heart.

That got super long!! Shows what I get for not posting for almost a year! lol I'm going to try to be better at this. I know I've said that before time and time again so hopefully I can keep it going! Well, may get a new one to reflect the change from SAHM to working mom. Thanks for reading! :-)